Stuff Dutch People Like

Yes, you read the title correct. Dutch people like to not work. In fact, they like to not-work so much that they have actually become experts at it and are now the best in the European Union at doing so (not-working that is).

"Ain't life grand?!"

It was announced this week that the Dutch work the fewest hours of any other nation in the European Union (which pretty much means in the world since we all know the EU is a pretty cushy place) . And here you thought the French were the ones lazily spending their days sipping coffee, shopping for baguettes and playing boule. Well, guess again – the Dutch are pretty darn good at enjoying the good life.

On average people in the EU work only 37.5 hours a week, but here in the lowlands, Dutch people clock in an average of just 30.6 hours per week! That’s almost one whole day less a week then all their other EU neighbours.

"What are we to do with all this free time?"

Let’s not even get started on the drastic differences of our friends across the pond! The average North American works somewhere between 44-52 hours per week (depending on the research). A study released last week showed that the average American teacher works average 53hrs/week! The difference is truly shocking – compare 30.6 hours to the low end of an American 44 work week and that’s a difference of 697 hours per year (or 87 less working days)!!

How, you ask, are the Dutch spending all this free time (or the additional 697 hours to be exact)? Well, my friends, they are certainly enjoying themselves. I’ve seen ‘em. They’re riding their bikes, they’re sitting at cafes discussing the weather, they’re leisurely shopping for hagelslag and drop, they’re enjoying mama/papa-dags, they’re eating herring, they’re taking their 25 days/year of vacation, they’re frolicking in their tulip fields. Jokes aside, the Dutch do somehow manage to top the list of productivity in the EU, so something seems to be working and let me tell you, they’re having a hell of a good time at it!

The women, however, appear to be having the best time of all –many working part-time and being ranked as the “Happiest Women in the World“. It appears they’ve figured out what we all inherently know as true: working less is simply better.

Perhaps that’s why Dutch people are so attached to their agendas! They need those little books, and iphone calendars to help them schedule all their bloody free time! It’s a good life in the lowlands, I ain’t complaining

Dutch people are amongst the highest consumers of hair gel in the world. If you don’t agree go stand in the middle of any busy Dutch street and start your counting. As the numbers start quickly adding up you will have no choice but to stand by my grandiose statement!

Ooeey gooey good!

Truth be told, I have never seen more people in one tiny country use this gooey stuff to secure their locks. Oh, and the weirdest part here is that I ain’t talking about the women; it’s the Dutch men that are lovin’ the stuff! In fact, the love it so much, that they feel the need to pour a vat of it over their head every morning!

Common, you’ve seen the types. The tall ones who’s blond curls are slicked back to their head in a crunchy mess. Boys: it’s time for a haircut! 5 year-olds can get away with that look, but unmarried 35 year-old kakkers are a different story all together!

I will readily admit that I don’t understand the root cause of this phenomena. Is it because Dutch men are too cheap to get a haircut?  Is it a question of practicality: is it easier to re-apply gel in the morning rather than actually washing their hair? Or do they genuinely think the “semi-long-curly-blond-hair-doused-in-copious-amounts-of-gel” is a hot look? Please, all-knowing readers, do tell!

"Hmmmm, perhaps I should have used more gel today" Marco Borsato

I will admit that this crispy “Dutch hair” does often accompany a certain type of Dutchie. And in recent years it seems to have become particularly popular with the following groups: makelaars, frat boys, bankers, students, wannabe ondernemers, field hockey players, rowers, bnn-ers, and beloved football players.

You’ll be able to either spot them on their scooters (the makelaars in particular), their boats (perhaps even wearing red pants) or cycling through the city with their girly looking hockey sticks (I can’t help it, I’m Canadian and only ice hockey sticks look manly!)

Do dutch women like competing for mirror time in the morning? Do they not resent running their hands through greasy locks? Maybe it is not the men’s fault at all, but the women who encourage this look?!

Regardless, the look has made international headlines with the online Urban Dictionary defining the hairstyle as the “Dutch Prince“: A haircut obtained when you have long hair over your ears, and you cut your bangs to above your eyebrows. Very popular among hockey players who want to have long hair, but do not want impaired vision. A word of caution: do not be fooled by the glamorous name, there is nothing royal about it!

Last week I was at a trade fair in Asia. Companies from literally every country in the world were present, showing their local products for export. A colleague and I were manning our stand and to pass the time we decided to play the “what- country-do-you-think-they’re-from” game. We started playing with the stand across the aisle. Four tall blond men in company-branded polo shirts were busy arranging their materials. My co-worked declared that they were either a) German b) Dutch or c) Danish. We collectively ruled out c) but were still torn. To make the game more interesting I wagered a bet of 20 euros and we gave ourselves 5 more minutes to study our objects.

Looking for something?

After 5 minutes my friend gave up. I was about to concede until – almost in slow motion – I saw one of the men’s hands slowing making its way towards his face. His index finger was held erect as it was forcefully shoved into his left nostril. “I got it!” I shouted excitedly – “Dutch, Dutch, DUTCH! My money’s on DUTCH!!” My friend was shocked by my sudden clarity. “He’s picking his nose!” I squealed proudly. “Only Dutch men pick their nose in public!” With a look of disbelief, my friend marched over to their booth, struck up a brief conversation and soon gave me the thumb’s up behind her back. Sure enough, I was the winner – the nose-picker was indeed Dutch!

When I first noticed this disturbing Dutch habit I was appalled. I’ve lived in many vastly different countries and traveled the globe, yet I have never seen so many grown men openly picking their noses. My mother would be horrified! It is one thing to pick your nose (with a tissue) in the privacy of your own home, but to do so in public and without shame, is entirely different and quite frankly disgusting.

Crown Prince Willem-Alexander and Princess Maxima at Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. *REUTERS/Kai Pfaffenbach (CHINA)

Don’t believe me yet? Think I am picking unfairly (no pun intended on the Dutchies? The Dutch paper gezondNU conducted a study in the Netherlands and found that over 90% of the Dutch pick their noses!! Moreover, half of the respondents do so more than once a day! Eeek!!  What’s even stranger is that nearly 50% of all Dutch people find nose-picking to be “disgusting” when they see it. The study goes on to state that over a third of Dutch men report that they like to “..draai er een balletje van en schiet dat weg” (roll it in a ball and flick it). PLEASE, make it stop!!!!!

I will admit that this is mainly a manly thing. Dutch men picking their noses can be found everywhere – on the metro, in cars, on bikes, at work – you name it! I once saw a Dutch father slap his toddler’s hand away from his nose and then use that same hand to pick his own snout. As the saying goes: like father, like son…

Just to make it clear to all male Dutch people: picking your nose in public is gross and barbaric! Don’t do it. Not even if your future King thinks its appropriate royal behaviour.

You may hear Dutch people grumbling about how cold it is, how the snow is slowing down trains, how flights are not taking off from Schiphol, how long it took them to get to work and how it makes for treacherous biking - but secretly they like love it.

Yes we can!

They love the cold temperatures, the frosty wind, the snow capped canal houses and the gleaming sunshine. They love the excitement it brings; the excitement it adds to an otherwise gray and dreary endless dutch winter.

Couple the snow, the sun and the cold with the anticipation of….wait for it… skating on natural ice, and collectively you have almost 16 million people on the brink of a national orgasm. Dutch people love to skate but more importantly they love the elusiveness of skating on natural ice in the great outdoors.

Of course being able to skate outdoors for a few days every few years is one thing, but add the Elfstedentocht to the mix and you have an entire country in the grips of  joyful anticipation.

On your marks, get set, GO!!!

Haven’t heard of the Elfstedentocht yet? Why, you must be walking around with your hands firmly on your ears this week then! Will it or won’t it happen?! Oh my! Oh my!!! The Eleven Cities Tour, the Dutch’s national pride, is an ice-skating marathon held in Friesland with participants joyfully skating through 11 Dutch towns in a mere 200 kilometers of natural ice paths. In the past 20 years, the Elfstedentocht has happened all of … once (in 1997)! Therefore the thought of it possibly happening again this year is pretty darn freakin’ exciting to those ice-loving Dutch people!

The odds each year are pretty bad, but that doesn’t stop Dutch people from wishing and hoping, and more importantly – practicing! Go to any rink or body of slightly frozen water in the middle of a cold Dutch winter and you will see scores of Orangies sharpening their blades and practicing their moves in hopes of the great 11 city race!

Coming from a country that has Siberia-esque winters, outdoor activities (including skating on endless kilometers of outdoor ice) are not special and certainly nothing to write home about! However, I must say that a palpable vibe of happiness and excitement has swept the city. One which I am quite happy to see stay for a while.

A press conference was held yesterday to address the rumours that the big race was indeed going to happen. Nothing has been confirmed, as of yet, but the Dutch wait with high hopes and bated breath…

UPDATE: What a difference a day makes!  Yesterday, 16 million Dutch were on the brink of a national orgasm. Now they’re just plain old sad. No Elfstedentocht 2012

"Mommy, what's that???"

For anyone reading this, it shouldn’t come as a big surprise that Dutch food has yet to sweep the globe. Although pockets of the Dutch can be found scattering the world, delectable Dutch cuisine never seemed to have caught on. “Fancy I pick up some Dutch food on the way home from work?” or “Wow, you have got to try this new Dutch restaurant in SoHo!” are phrases you will never hear uttered.

Isn’t it odd that a nation of traveling, colonizing, patriotic, emigrating folk never managed to sow their own culinary seeds? C’mon, who are we kidding?? Even those emigrated Dutch settlers were thrilled to have found tastier grub!  Sure, New York was more than happy to take the Dutch names of Brooklyn (Breukelen), Harlem (Haarlem), Coney Island (from Konijneneiland) and Staten Island — but when it came to Dutch cuisine, they left it at the door (apart from the cheese)!

Dutch people have 3 very specific ways of preparing food/vegetables. Dutch people like to either:

a)    mash the hell out of something,

b)   boil the shit out of something, or

c)    deep-fry the life out of something!

A Dutch person's best friend

Today we will discuss a), Dutch people’s affinity for mashing. Dutch people love to mash; mash, mash, mash. Case in point, the beloved Stamppot. For those of you unaware of the stamppot, it actually combines 2 of the Dutch cooking specialties a) mashing and b) boiling. First you boil the shit out of various veggies (potatoes, carrots, etc.). Then you mash the hell out of all of them, throw a little sausage on the side, and voila, a perfect Dutch meal!

Ok, ok, now I’m just being cruel, there are many more Dutch dishes! What about the Zuurkoolstamppot (sauerkraut mashed with potatoes) or the Andijviestamppot  (endive mashed with potatoes) or the Boerenkoolstamppot (cabbage mixed with mashed potatoes)?! Are you starting to see a pattern here?

The staying power of the stamppot is truly mind-boggling. The dish is said to be one of the oldest, and yet still one of the most popular Dutch dishes, originating in the early 1600s. (Hmm…is that why the Dutch are so tall?) Now, what was that expression… “the beauty of the past is that it is the past”.

For all my sneering at the good ol’ fashion stamppot, I will admit that on a cold, chilly, rainy, grey Amsterdam winter evening – a stamppot does seem to hit the spot.  Truly ingeburgerd or lack of options? I haven’t quite figured that one out yet!

I thought I’d kick off 2012 with a selection of some of the most notable comments from 2011. The blog certainly has its fair share of comments – some brought a grin to my face, others a frown, and some kept me laughing for days. Enjoy!

“Your blog had me crying with laughter – very well perceived and so true. Uncanny. I look forward to the next entry already.” EH

“I can’t hear aynihtng over the sound of how awesome this article is.” Spam?

“I totally like your blog. I’m dutch myself and you’re right about most things. It’s really fun to read this and to think ‘ yes I do that to’.” Miriam

“I’m a Morrocan born and bred in Holland and I had my share of ‘Duh!’ moments growing up here. Like ‘Where have all the kids gone? Oh, it must be six o’clock sharp.’ Oh yeah.” Mo

“I am Dutch and I LOVE YOU! “Joyce

“…not all of ‘em are into red or yellow pants I honestly don’t know where you got this bullshit from.. And I kind of know it, i’m dutch lived there for 19 years no arguing about it…” Anne

“[Why do the Dutch]Talk about poop in an open manner. (I.e., standing up from a table of people and loudly announcing you’re going to go poop; complaining that on holiday in Spain, one cannot poop; having a multitude of different words to describe different kinds of poop; fondly referring to one’s friends as “little poops/sh*ts”; etc.)” Sarah

“What’s wrong with red pants?”

“Being Dutch, but having a non-Dutch wife and a company full of non-dutchies, this blog will save me while I’m laughing my ass off at the same time (sorry, rude expression; proving that I am in fact truly Dutch). Instead of talking for ages to my people about all these things, I just made reading your blog in full an obligatory part of our company introduction program for non-dutchies.” Jeroen

“One more: hair gel… for the MEN! I think Holland has to be top 3 in the world in hair gel use.”

” Dude, your website is just downright racist. If you’re too stupid to understand our culture, why don’t you go back to your own stupid country! By the way, you ignorant fool, you forgot the one thing Dutch people really like best: Geert Wilders, our hero from the south!”

“LOL, now I understand! A while ago a temporary co-worker from abroad filled in her name on the birthday calendar next to the coffee machine. We were all a bit stunned – almost insulted – by her taking the liberty to fill in her own name on that calender. Doesn’t she know she’s not supposed to do that if only because she’s only a part time temporary employee?!” Okkie

“I just can’t believe how freaking funny, hilarious, informative and instructive this blog is! Including the comments. Big kudos from this cheesehead. My foreign girlfriend really has to read this.” Joris

“I was having a particularly bad day. Then of course I stumbled onto this blog and now I can’t wipe the grin off my face. Thank you for making me feel better and ‘gefeliciteerd’ with your astute cultural ethnography of us Dutch folk.” bramiam