Stuff Dutch People Like

The other day, while out exploring the Dutch countryside (a.k.a. endless fields & windmills), I overheard a Dutch mother speaking to her child while we were taking a pit stop next to a field of cows: “Kijk” the mother pointing to the cows. Her small child then began shouting out enthusiastically, “Boo! Boo! Booooo!!“. Why on earth did this child dislike these poor innocent cows so much?!? And who knew a 3 year-old could already show his distaste with zealous boo-ing?!  I knew the Dutch were direct, but I didn’t expect such jadedness from a 3 year old…

“Sorry, I only speak Dutch”

Now, now, settle down. Of course the child was not boo-ing the cows; turns out that Dutch cows actually speak a different language that my familiar Canadian dairy cows. While we all know that English-speaking cows say “moo” (hence their nickname,”moo-cows“), Dutch-speaking cows prefer to communicate with a slightly more spooky “boo” sound (written as boe in Dutch). Yes, how silly must I have looked shouting “moo” to those beasts. I should have recognized the “I-don’t-quite-understand-your-accent-in-Dutch” look since I’ve seen it all too many times!!

Turns out that Dutch cows aren’t the only animals in the low-lands that speak a different language. Dutch pigs do not say, “oink-oink” but rather, “knor-knor”. And Dutch roosters do not wake you up with a hearty, “cock-a-doodle-do” but a rather foreign sounding, “kukeleku“! 

You say “boo”, and I say “moo”… Let’s call the whole thing off!

Dutch cats and dogs seem to be a little more worldly, as they have mastered the international language of “prrrr“, “miauw” and “woef woef”.  Yes, only a slight accent in a Dutch dog’s bark, which is much more than I can say about those Tunisian dogs and their incomprehensible “hab hab hab“.

What is the lesson in all of this my friends? Simple. Next time you are attempting to speak to an animal in the Netherlands, be sure to make sure you are speaking the same language. That Dutch frog ain’t going to understand your “ribbit -ing” and that Dutch rooster is sure to give you a crazy look and shake its head with all your “cock-a-doodle-doo-ing“!!

The Dutch like to keep it real. They are big fans of authenticity and take pride in the genuine. This behaviour is a close cousin to the infamous “do normaal” and is often used to justify their directness.

Those Americans are just so fake!

Speak to a Dutch person after they have returned from a trip to America and they are sure to mention one specific thing in their travel tales: “American fakeness“! The Dutch are downright allergic to the American “good-morning-how-y’all-doing” lingo. They shudder when entering an American store, only to be greeted by those five little words: “How are you doing today?“.

Seems like a fairly innocent question to us North Americans or Brits, but for the Dutch it can be down-right scandalous “Why are they asking?” “Why do they care?” “It’s not like they are waiting for my answer?” “What if I reply ‘horrible’, will that smile still stay plastered on their face?”.  Yes, the Dutch are a placid bunch and the overt American-type friendliness is so foreign to them that it’s down right frightening! 

As I’ve explained to many a Dutch friend or colleague: of course the teenage girl folding sweaters in the Gap doesn’t really care how you are doing! But her very asking of “How are you?” is more a gesture of friendliness than an inquisition into your mental state of well-being.

How are y’all doing today?

And what’s wrong with a little friendliness and camaraderie to your fellow man, anyways? I could certaintly use a bit more of that when some giant is elbowing me to get on the train I am attempting to exit! Heck, I could use it even more when I ask one of the medewerkers at Albert Hein if they have any karne melk in the back and they look at me like I’m completely insane! I dare you to disagree that Dutch waiters could use a bit more common courtesy in their approach.

As American comedian Seth Meyers said about his time living in the Netherlands “When I was there, people’s big complaint about America was that the waitresses were fake-nice. In Amsterdam, you know the waiters generally fucking hate you.” Hmmm…which do you prefer?

Yes, you read the title correct. Dutch people like to not work. In fact, they like to not-work so much that they have actually become experts at it and are now the best in the European Union at doing so (not-working that is).

"Ain't life grand?!"

It was announced this week that the Dutch work the fewest hours of any other nation in the European Union (which pretty much means in the world since we all know the EU is a pretty cushy place) . And here you thought the French were the ones lazily spending their days sipping coffee, shopping for baguettes and playing boule. Well, guess again – the Dutch are pretty darn good at enjoying the good life.

On average people in the EU work only 37.5 hours a week, but here in the lowlands, Dutch people clock in an average of just 30.6 hours per week! That’s almost one whole day less a week then all their other EU neighbours.

"What are we to do with all this free time?"

Let’s not even get started on the drastic differences of our friends across the pond! The average North American works somewhere between 44-52 hours per week (depending on the research). A study released last week showed that the average American teacher works average 53hrs/week! The difference is truly shocking – compare 30.6 hours to the low end of an American 44 work week and that’s a difference of 697 hours per year (or 87 less working days)!!

How, you ask, are the Dutch spending all this free time (or the additional 697 hours to be exact)? Well, my friends, they are certainly enjoying themselves. I’ve seen ‘em. They’re riding their bikes, they’re sitting at cafes discussing the weather, they’re leisurely shopping for hagelslag and drop, they’re enjoying mama/papa-dags, they’re eating herring, they’re taking their 25 days/year of vacation, they’re frolicking in their tulip fields. Jokes aside, the Dutch do somehow manage to top the list of productivity in the EU, so something seems to be working and let me tell you, they’re having a hell of a good time at it!

The women, however, appear to be having the best time of all –many working part-time and being ranked as the “Happiest Women in the World“. It appears they’ve figured out what we all inherently know as true: working less is simply better.

Perhaps that’s why Dutch people are so attached to their agendas! They need those little books, and iphone calendars to help them schedule all their bloody free time! It’s a good life in the lowlands, I ain’t complaining

Dutch people are amongst the highest consumers of hair gel in the world. If you don’t agree go stand in the middle of any busy Dutch street and start your counting. As the numbers start quickly adding up you will have no choice but to stand by my grandiose statement!

Ooeey gooey good!

Truth be told, I have never seen more people in one tiny country use this gooey stuff to secure their locks. Oh, and the weirdest part here is that I ain’t talking about the women; it’s the Dutch men that are lovin’ the stuff! In fact, the love it so much, that they feel the need to pour a vat of it over their head every morning!

Common, you’ve seen the types. The tall ones who’s blond curls are slicked back to their head in a crunchy mess. Boys: it’s time for a haircut! 5 year-olds can get away with that look, but unmarried 35 year-old kakkers are a different story all together!

I will readily admit that I don’t understand the root cause of this phenomena. Is it because Dutch men are too cheap to get a haircut?  Is it a question of practicality: is it easier to re-apply gel in the morning rather than actually washing their hair? Or do they genuinely think the “semi-long-curly-blond-hair-doused-in-copious-amounts-of-gel” is a hot look? Please, all-knowing readers, do tell!

"Hmmmm, perhaps I should have used more gel today" Marco Borsato

I will admit that this crispy “Dutch hair” does often accompany a certain type of Dutchie. And in recent years it seems to have become particularly popular with the following groups: makelaars, frat boys, bankers, students, wannabe ondernemers, field hockey players, rowers, bnn-ers, and beloved football players.

You’ll be able to either spot them on their scooters (the makelaars in particular), their boats (perhaps even wearing red pants) or cycling through the city with their girly looking hockey sticks (I can’t help it, I’m Canadian and only ice hockey sticks look manly!)

Do dutch women like competing for mirror time in the morning? Do they not resent running their hands through greasy locks? Maybe it is not the men’s fault at all, but the women who encourage this look?!

Regardless, the look has made international headlines with the online Urban Dictionary defining the hairstyle as the “Dutch Prince“: A haircut obtained when you have long hair over your ears, and you cut your bangs to above your eyebrows. Very popular among hockey players who want to have long hair, but do not want impaired vision. A word of caution: do not be fooled by the glamorous name, there is nothing royal about it!

Last week I was at a trade fair in Asia. Companies from literally every country in the world were present, showing their local products for export. A colleague and I were manning our stand and to pass the time we decided to play the “what- country-do-you-think-they’re-from” game. We started playing with the stand across the aisle. Four tall blond men in company-branded polo shirts were busy arranging their materials. My co-worked declared that they were either a) German b) Dutch or c) Danish. We collectively ruled out c) but were still torn. To make the game more interesting I wagered a bet of 20 euros and we gave ourselves 5 more minutes to study our objects.

Looking for something?

After 5 minutes my friend gave up. I was about to concede until – almost in slow motion – I saw one of the men’s hands slowing making its way towards his face. His index finger was held erect as it was forcefully shoved into his left nostril. “I got it!” I shouted excitedly – “Dutch, Dutch, DUTCH! My money’s on DUTCH!!” My friend was shocked by my sudden clarity. “He’s picking his nose!” I squealed proudly. “Only Dutch men pick their nose in public!” With a look of disbelief, my friend marched over to their booth, struck up a brief conversation and soon gave me the thumb’s up behind her back. Sure enough, I was the winner – the nose-picker was indeed Dutch!

When I first noticed this disturbing Dutch habit I was appalled. I’ve lived in many vastly different countries and traveled the globe, yet I have never seen so many grown men openly picking their noses. My mother would be horrified! It is one thing to pick your nose (with a tissue) in the privacy of your own home, but to do so in public and without shame, is entirely different and quite frankly disgusting.

Crown Prince Willem-Alexander and Princess Maxima at Beijing 2008 Olympic Games. *REUTERS/Kai Pfaffenbach (CHINA)

Don’t believe me yet? Think I am picking unfairly (no pun intended on the Dutchies? The Dutch paper gezondNU conducted a study in the Netherlands and found that over 90% of the Dutch pick their noses!! Moreover, half of the respondents do so more than once a day! Eeek!!  What’s even stranger is that nearly 50% of all Dutch people find nose-picking to be “disgusting” when they see it. The study goes on to state that over a third of Dutch men report that they like to “..draai er een balletje van en schiet dat weg” (roll it in a ball and flick it). PLEASE, make it stop!!!!!

I will admit that this is mainly a manly thing. Dutch men picking their noses can be found everywhere – on the metro, in cars, on bikes, at work – you name it! I once saw a Dutch father slap his toddler’s hand away from his nose and then use that same hand to pick his own snout. As the saying goes: like father, like son…

Just to make it clear to all male Dutch people: picking your nose in public is gross and barbaric! Don’t do it. Not even if your future King thinks its appropriate royal behaviour.

You may hear Dutch people grumbling about how cold it is, how the snow is slowing down trains, how flights are not taking off from Schiphol, how long it took them to get to work and how it makes for treacherous biking - but secretly they like love it.

Yes we can!

They love the cold temperatures, the frosty wind, the snow capped canal houses and the gleaming sunshine. They love the excitement it brings; the excitement it adds to an otherwise gray and dreary endless dutch winter.

Couple the snow, the sun and the cold with the anticipation of….wait for it… skating on natural ice, and collectively you have almost 16 million people on the brink of a national orgasm. Dutch people love to skate but more importantly they love the elusiveness of skating on natural ice in the great outdoors.

Of course being able to skate outdoors for a few days every few years is one thing, but add the Elfstedentocht to the mix and you have an entire country in the grips of  joyful anticipation.

On your marks, get set, GO!!!

Haven’t heard of the Elfstedentocht yet? Why, you must be walking around with your hands firmly on your ears this week then! Will it or won’t it happen?! Oh my! Oh my!!! The Eleven Cities Tour, the Dutch’s national pride, is an ice-skating marathon held in Friesland with participants joyfully skating through 11 Dutch towns in a mere 200 kilometers of natural ice paths. In the past 20 years, the Elfstedentocht has happened all of … once (in 1997)! Therefore the thought of it possibly happening again this year is pretty darn freakin’ exciting to those ice-loving Dutch people!

The odds each year are pretty bad, but that doesn’t stop Dutch people from wishing and hoping, and more importantly – practicing! Go to any rink or body of slightly frozen water in the middle of a cold Dutch winter and you will see scores of Orangies sharpening their blades and practicing their moves in hopes of the great 11 city race!

Coming from a country that has Siberia-esque winters, outdoor activities (including skating on endless kilometers of outdoor ice) are not special and certainly nothing to write home about! However, I must say that a palpable vibe of happiness and excitement has swept the city. One which I am quite happy to see stay for a while.

A press conference was held yesterday to address the rumours that the big race was indeed going to happen. Nothing has been confirmed, as of yet, but the Dutch wait with high hopes and bated breath…

UPDATE: What a difference a day makes!  Yesterday, 16 million Dutch were on the brink of a national orgasm. Now they’re just plain old sad. No Elfstedentocht 2012