Stuff Dutch People Like

No. 23: Jokes about Germans

I had just arrived in the Netherlands and after my first day at work I was carted off to Amstelveen and dropped off at the local ABN-AMRO to open a Dutch bank account. A friendly Dutch banker welcomed me into his office, and I was quickly handed a stack of papers to sign. As I signed away, the Dutch banker busied himself with small talk.  He rattled through some opening topics and then proceeded to the good stuff: an impromptu lesson on Dutch humor by telling a never-ending series of Dutch jokes in slightly wonky English. I smiled and nodded, signing the mass of papers in front of me, looking up occasionally to see him red-faced, sipping on his carton of milk and laughing away to himself. Most of the jokes were lost in translation, however after hearing the first few, I quickly realized there was a commonality amongst them – Germans!

Yes, anyone who has spent some time getting to know the Dutch, knows that they love to make a great joke – at the expense of the Germans! It’s that good old “big brother, little brother” complex found amongst many bordering nations, mixed with some lingering historic animosity and a healthy dose of sports-related rivalry.

Have you heard the one about the Germans digging holes along the famous Dutch coast? Or how about the one where the Germans steal all the bicycles? Oh wait…that might be a bit of a history lesson tied to a stern Dutch warning about trusting those pesky neighbours to the east, (not quite a joke I suppose…but a commonly repeated anecdote none-the-less). What about the infamous “Immer gerade aus…” joke, did that one tickle your fancy?

Haven’t heard any of those? Well then, I suppose I will humbly oblige and translate one of the more common ones:

A Dutch man sees a man on his knees using his hand to drink water from one of Amsterdam’s canal.

He walks up to him and says in Dutch “Hey – you can’t drink that water, it’s dirty and will make you sick”.

The tourist shouts back in German: “Was sagen Sie? (What are you saying?)

The Dutch man responds in German: “Sie sollen mit zwei haende trinken, das geht besser!” (Use both hands, it’s much better!”)

There are few variations on the above, but essentially they all have a similar punch line about tricking a German and wishing some sort of bodily harm on him. All in the name of fun, right? Having a German last name (from my grandfather), I somehow always get to hear a slew of them. Oh my! :) I do wonder, if there is the equivalent in German??

Feeling misunderstood at work? Looking for a quick way to integrate? Whip out the above joke at your office Christmas borrel and you are sure to be a hit! Just make sure there aren’t any Germans in the room…and if there are, you can always blame it on Dutch directness! ;) ;)

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115 response to "No. 23: Jokes about Germans"
  1. Kelly said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 12:48 am

    Dutchie here,
    The “jokes” about germans stealing bikes and digging holes in the dutch beaches are more of a reverence to WWII than warnings.
    The one about the bikes is fairly innocent, in WWII the germans needed steel to build stuff. They took a lot of bikes and after the libaration lots of dutch people demanded their bikes back. ” give me my bike back” is used as a bit of a reminder to the germans (hell, we even made a football chant about it).
    The second one is, in my opinion, a bit harsher (but then again, it’s dutch humor). The joke here is that the germans dig holes in our beaches because they’re still looking for mines they left in WWII. After WWII a lot of germans captured by the dutch were forced to clean the beaches of bombs. From what I learned about this in school (and from TV) I can only tell that this was incredibly dangerous. Really, I’m talking about literally having to poke around with a metal stick into a minefield kind of dangerous. So yeah…

    Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this little historical tibits!

    Love this blog by the way, it’s so true

    • Desirée said:Posted on March 3rd, 2012 at 12:36 pm

      Oh, but German tourists actually do dig holes in the beach (albeit not very deep… although every year apparently someone dies because the hole caves in and they’re buried under the sand…), because they want to a) sit in the shade, and b) really sort of feel that that is their spot for the day.

    • Nils said:Posted on April 2nd, 2012 at 11:43 am

      Both of your explanations are a bit off.

      The bike joke isn´t made because the germans took are bikes for steel. They did however, take a lot of bikes, cars and anything that could be used to move faster than on foot in april 1945, simply to retreat.

      As for the holes thing. Well it is true that some (about 200) captured Germans were forced to clean the 5500 minefields of almost 2 million bombs. However this is not the origin of this joke. If you want to know the origin of this one… Well, just go to the beach, find a hole and insult the crap out of whoever is lying there – don’t worry, he won’t understand anything you said. He’ll just ask “Was sagen Sie?”

    • Nelson said:Posted on July 1st, 2014 at 3:43 am

      Thanks for explanation about the bicycles my Dutch friend mentioned that today yet he wasn’t sure of the origin of the saying.

  2. Sophia de Ruiter said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 2:22 am

    Actually I think the Dutch have way more jokes about Belgians (and they about the Dutch) than about Germans. On both sides quite a few are pretty funny. But these are not the only countries which make jokes about each other. For example, an Ecuadorian told me that in his country people make jokes about Columbians, and vice versa and I’m sure there are more countries like that. It is not something typically Dutch to make fun of your neighbors but we certainly do. I’m sure the Germans have some good jokes about the Dutch, at least I hope so!

    • Stuff Dutch People Like said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 8:19 pm

      We were just warming up!!! Jokes about the Belgians are sure to make an appearance on the list!

      • Jeroen said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 8:55 pm

        Ask Belgians about their Dutch jokes. They have at least the amount we have about Belgians.

      • Anja said:Posted on December 14th, 2011 at 12:08 pm

        I find that jokes about Belgians are “softer”, like about a dim-witted younger brother, while those re: Germans can be quite mean :)

      • YellowBlueBus said:Posted on January 20th, 2012 at 5:24 pm

        Ahh but then again, the French also make jokes about the Belgians. And so do the Germans. And the Luxembourgeois. And the Swiss. In fact, I’d say even the Brits would be joking about Belgium. If only they were aware of its existence of course.

      • Tim said:Posted on August 16th, 2012 at 2:30 pm

        indeed: belgian jokes are way more common. most european countries have their own joke-victim-country. e.g. germans apraer to be joking about austrians, belgian about the netherlands, british people about the skottish people and so on!\

      • Bob van Leeuwen said:Posted on August 19th, 2012 at 1:55 am

        @YellowBlueBus
        Have you ever watched german comedy. Probably not. They are great in many things, but not in humor. Pretty serious folk they are, very ‘Gründlich’.
        @Tim
        Think we kind of like Belgians even though we joke about them. They on the other hand pretty much hate us loud-mouth-basterds ;-)

      • Anne said:Posted on January 22nd, 2014 at 3:05 pm

        Not only do the Belgians make jokes about us, but (to my undying amusement) the jokes Belgians make about the Dutch are often exactly the same as the ones we make about the Belgians.

    • Max said:Posted on August 9th, 2013 at 7:54 pm

      After three years among Dutchies I have to say that the jokes about Germans are getting old. Maybe I’m too German but hearing bad jokes references day in and day out can be very tiring. We Germans on the other hand don’t care that much about the Dutch and rather joke about Austrians, French or Poles

  3. Jolene said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 9:25 am

    Although it is true that some people are still quite sensitive about Germany because of the past and there is a high level of sports rivalry between the two countries, I think most jokes in the Netherlands are made about Belgians.

    • Victoria Raw said:Posted on February 27th, 2012 at 12:40 pm

      I think so too

  4. Paul Oosten said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 11:48 am

    Don’t forget, we also make jokes about Belgians (lack of intelect)
    And Belgians make jokes about the Dutch (being cheap)

    • Nienke said:Posted on December 30th, 2011 at 9:26 pm

      Actually the Belgians make jokes about the Dutch people being stupid and they think we Dutchies joke about them being cheap. We both do the same jokes ;)

    • Nichola said:Posted on February 5th, 2012 at 10:14 pm

      I was gonna say, living here for 5 months as a student I wouldn’t say the Netherlands is cheap. And also, amazingly, I have not heard one joke about Germans or Belgians, perhaps students have a different take on their neighbours?

      • Lynn said:Posted on February 15th, 2012 at 3:39 pm

        You haven’t heard ANY?
        Amazing! Are you consorting with the right dutch folks?
        Apparently you are! It might be that students these days are more politically correct, so they do not make those type of jokes anymore. I think also the student body has grown more diversified in cultures, people know each other and they show respect by not telling jokes that might be considered offensive to another.
        It’s a bright new world!

      • Lynn said:Posted on February 15th, 2012 at 3:50 pm

        And you are right, the Netherlands (country) is not cheap, but the joke on the Dutch people is that they are! The ‘cheap’ being used here meaning ‘economical, thrifty, sparing, frugal’ , you get the meaning!

      • iemand said:Posted on May 7th, 2012 at 2:03 am

        @lynn: more cultural diversity would be a reason for more racist jokes I would think, I always make fun of my turkish friend(usually something about oil, relating to oilwrestling), and I sometimes make a gayjoke to my gay friend too. actually it’s great, it basically gives you a free license to make jokes about that minority relentlessly as long as that friend is present(and ofcourse you don’t actually mean it)

  5. Wee said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 11:58 am

    I feel embarrassed reading this as a Dutch girl…
    On the other hand it’s quite common for every country to make jokes about neighbouring countries. The English have lots of jokes about the French and the Irish, don’t they? I know the Germans joke about the Dutch as well, the Swedish make fun of Norwegians and the Danish, and so on.

  6. Patrick Hollander said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 12:09 pm

    Actually, there are more jokes about Belgian people then germans truth be told. From experience i also know Germans have more belgian jokes then dutch peopl.
    One of the few Jokes the germans have about the dutch is the following:
    What does a dutchmen do when The Netherlands wins the World Cup (soccer) ?
    He turns of his playstation.

    • Ragna said:Posted on February 21st, 2012 at 4:35 pm

      LOL

    • Just Magnus ._. said:Posted on March 26th, 2013 at 10:05 pm

      I haven’t heard any jokes about Belgian people here in Germany, but a lot people joke about the Dutch, Polish and Turks.

  7. Cootje said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    Don’t forget the jokes about the people from Belgium! ;)

  8. Tessa said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 4:14 pm

    As a Dutch person I can say this story is true. We don’t like the Germans. But hey! can you blame us? The only thing that really surprised me, is that they just mention the Germans, and not the Belgiums. There are far more jokes made about the Belgiums being stupid, than about the Germans.

    • maddin@webb.de said:Posted on January 19th, 2012 at 3:24 pm

      Dear Tessa, germans like the dutch and have no problem at all (besides soccer) with you. I guess the dutch do not like germans because dutch are sooo similar to them (besider soccer for sure)

      • Jan Mulder said:Posted on January 27th, 2012 at 2:18 am

        No, incorrect, Dutch people don’t like german people because of what german people did to Holland and Dutch Jews during the second world war and their Superiority Attitude still present today in Germany, they still have the habbit of thinking they are superior…(ex. Angela Merkel) that is why most Dutch don’t like German people… For exemple, my grandparents were executed by a german female ss soldier in WW2, and I would forgive it and get over it if there weren´t any Ubergermans with fascist like attitudes left… but there are still so many of them… I’m sorry for all the good people in germany, but this is how I and a lot of Dutch people feel.

      • Kevin said:Posted on January 30th, 2012 at 12:18 pm

        @Jan Mulder
        I’m dutch and i don’t hate the germans, and i know few dutch people who do. Dutch people don’t let their emotions control them as much. (We always say how ‘sober’ we are as a folk). But maybe people hating on the germans differs around the country.

      • Jan Mulder said:Posted on January 31st, 2012 at 7:37 pm

        @ Kevin… Just to set things straight,,,, I don’t HATE Germans, in fact I don’t hate anyone or anything… I just don’t like some of them….

      • Kevin said:Posted on February 1st, 2012 at 11:42 am

        Well, not liking someone because of what their ancestors did sounds pretty hatefull to me, and a lot of dutch people think so to. I would say (from ofcourse the people i know in holland) that we are “over” WW2.

      • uschka said:Posted on March 6th, 2012 at 9:45 am

        well – I’m german and have lived in the netherlands for a few years. I even studied comparative german-dutch-studies, speak fluently dutch and am now working on crossborder communication. that’s why I really enjoy reading this blog (congratz – you’re doing a really good communication-job!).

        what really irritates me in this discussion is the right quiet a lot of people think they have to still blame that whole german people for what happened then. don’t you get me wrong: second worldwar with all its cruelty initiated by the germans was the deepest point mankind ever could get to. and I hope no german ever will forget about it (espescially not while visiting another country).
        but did the rest of europe forget?

        tessa – are you aware of the fact that there have been fascistic movements all over europe in that time – even in the netherlands? what about “de politionele acties” in “ons indie”? if you would be continuously be confronted with it by people just not liking you because of what has been done 50 years ago – how would you feel?

        and jan – what happened to your grandparents is horrible and I’m ashamed when I read about it. but you know what? one of my grandfathers has been executed by an american soldier. my grandmother has been hiding in a cellar in berlin when the bombs fell night after night. she never got over it. she never talked again.

        by the way: being asked who I think is more populistic and dangerous – Angela Merkel (although I didn’t elect her) or Geert Wilders – I’m sure I’d know that it wouldn’t be Angie.

        blame me for being german. but you know what: it’s to simple. and – I’m sorry – it is neither smart nor do you have the moral right to do so. and – to make that quiet clear – this is not about jokes neighbours make about neighbours.

        two last questions I’d like to ask: this common sense of “we don’t like germans” – just wondering – but isn’t that kinda racist too?
        AND: Isn’t it up to us to go on, learn what we should learn out of it and stop blaming each other?

      • Desirée said:Posted on March 7th, 2012 at 7:47 pm

        You are right. The only people we can blame for what happened in 1940-1945 are the people who willingly did all those gruesome things, most of whom are long gone. Not the young boys who were made to fight against their will, or the children and grandchildren of those who were wrong in the war.
        I do find it disturbing that there are still people of my generation who blame all Germans, while, as you already mentioned, we weren’t very nice in the past either. Do any of you know why the people who live in the Antillen look so similar to people from Africa? Because they actually are from Africa (or their ancestors were). We brought them there as slaves during VOC times. And we did very wrong things in Nederlands Indië.
        Apart from that, there are still fascistic groups in every country, be it Germany, Holland, Norway (Anders Breivik, anyone?), the US, etc.
        So people, please, stop blaming people for things they didn’t have anything to do with.
        Thanks you.

    • Allison said:Posted on October 2nd, 2012 at 5:32 pm

      I found this study into the Dutch construction of concentration camps to be relevant: http://www.jewishgen.org/yizkor/popervale/Pop001.html

      • Rodney Kooyman said:Posted on March 10th, 2013 at 1:49 am

        I think that dutch people are inclined to bring up WWII with German’s and joke with them about their arrogance since the German’s won’t bring it up,but we,(being as direct as we are), will. Someone has to purge all of these horrible memories.

  9. oscar said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    Germans don’t have jokes about the Dutch. Beating them at soccer is enough to make us happy.

    • Jolene said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 11:31 pm

      Ouch!

    • Nienke said:Posted on December 30th, 2011 at 9:27 pm

      Hahaha, touché!

  10. Marijke said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    i don’t know so many german jokes…. Jokes about belgium people on the other hand! We always make fun of belgium people.

  11. Gido said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 9:10 pm

    We do make a lot of fun about the German language because the Germans invents a German word for every new English word. And ofcourse about the synced English movies with German sound.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czh-OAtZfT4

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIrIsyv7T-E&feature=related

  12. Henduluin said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 10:16 pm

    I’d say this video is pretty relevant, even though it’s made by American expats:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2B-y4IRYb

    On a side-note, I must say I haven’t really heard any jokes about Germans in a while, they seem to have died out lately. Aside from when there’s a big football match coming up at least. I wonder why?

    • Henduluin said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 10:18 pm

      Not quite sure what went wrong there, apparently I accidentally copied the URL wrong, let’s try again. If this fails as well, my apologies.

  13. Mr.McDee said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 11:32 pm

    Another history lesson here:dutchies arnt as stupid as belgians, we didnt go looking for those mines ourself mostly cows, sheaps or other animals were let out on the dunes and beaches to let the mines explode.

  14. Mr.McDee said:Posted on December 13th, 2011 at 11:35 pm

    @Oscar we got further in the world cup then you guys.

  15. Elle said:Posted on December 14th, 2011 at 6:48 am

    I’m SO telling my Dutchy friends about this blog. :)

  16. Fäbbes said:Posted on December 14th, 2011 at 9:35 am

    in germany there is heaps of jokes about the dutch… heaps and heaps and heaps! for example:

    what do dutch people get when they failed the drivers test two times? … a yellow license plate!

    a lot of good stuff :) In every country there is jokes about the neighbors, and I quite enjoy them, especially the ones about my nationality. I think it’s just another way to remember historic events, just like in the example mentioned above :D

    • jan said:Posted on February 25th, 2012 at 11:58 am

      Nice joke about the numberplate. Quite unexpected though, according the fact that the German people lack any kind of humor….

      I agree… Making jokes is not always a bad thing. Puts things in perspective… Better to joke than to make war…

      And… Funny, I think this blog is done by an American woman. If so, Americans and Canadians, Mexicans, Polomericans, Irimericans, Jewimericans and on and on and on…

      • cheesehead said:Posted on March 20th, 2012 at 9:36 pm

        I really really love Germany, German food, drinks and guys and I love to make jokes about Germans. The one I use most often on German guys when they try to be funny is: “What’s the smalles book known to mankind? 100 years of German Jokes.” I sure do laugh my ass off when they figured it out.”

  17. iordake said:Posted on December 14th, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    Was ist der Unterschied zwischen Jesus und einem Holländer?

    Jesus hat aus Wasser Wein gemacht – Holländer aus Wasser Tomaten!

    • Emma said:Posted on December 18th, 2011 at 6:13 pm

      Haha, I liked this one (as a Dutch girl).

  18. Maartje said:Posted on December 15th, 2011 at 5:45 am

    When the fireworks start on New Year’s, my brother always yells: “The Germans, the Germans, they’re back!” We live in Rotterdam so we have a right to make that joke;)

    • maddin@webb.de said:Posted on January 19th, 2012 at 3:28 pm

      we say the same about the russians in Germany at New Year :-)

  19. Anouk said:Posted on December 15th, 2011 at 11:16 pm

    People from Argentina and Brasil are also always ‘fighting’, it’s a phenomena you see everywhere :)

  20. Kevin said:Posted on December 16th, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Zegt een Duitser tegen een Nederlandse barkeeper: “Wat is het stil vandaag.” “Klopt,” zegt de barkeeper. “Het is vandaag 4 mei.”
    “Ja maar, het is zo stil, vind ik.”
    “Klopt,” zegt de barkeeper weer. “Ik zei je toch al dat het vandaag 4 mei is.”
    “Maar waarom is het dan zo stil?”
    “Dan herdenken we de honderdduizenden doden van ons die tijdens de Tweede Wereldoorlog zijn gevallen.”
    De Duitser: “Honderdduizenden doden? Man, bij ons zijn miljoenen doden gevallen.”
    “Klopt,” zegt de barkeeper; “maar dat vieren wij morgen.”

    • Evi know said:Posted on April 5th, 2012 at 1:06 am

      hahahahaha

      • Knobhead2013 said:Posted on June 1st, 2013 at 10:42 am

        hahaa/….harsh

  21. Kevin said:Posted on December 16th, 2011 at 1:40 pm

    Een Nederlander, een Duitser, een lekker wijf en een non zitten in de trein. Opeens rijdt de trein een tunnel in, en het is pikdonker. Dan klinkt er een harde klap *pats* en als de trein de tunnel weer uitkomt zit de Duitser pijnlijk in zijn gezicht te wrijven.

    “Net goed” denkt de non, “die Duitser heeft natuurlijk geprobeeerd die meid te grijpen, die wilde dat niet en heeft hem geslagen!”

    “Net goed” denkt de mooie meid. “Die Duitser heeft mij natuurlijk willen pakken, greep per ongeluk die non en die heeft hem geslagen.”

    “Scheisse!” denkt de Duitser. “Die blöde Holländer heeft natuurlijk geprobeerd die mooie meid te pakken, en die heeft hem geprobeerd te slaan, maar sloeg mij voll ins gesicht!”

    En de Nederlander denkt: “In de volgende tunnel sla ik die Duitser gewoon weer op zijn muil..”

    • Nienke said:Posted on December 30th, 2011 at 9:29 pm

      Hihihihi.

    • maddin@webb.de said:Posted on January 19th, 2012 at 3:28 pm

      we have the same the other way around…good one

  22. Tom said:Posted on December 20th, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    Ages ago every dutch car owner who wanted to travel outside of the dutch borders was obliged to have a sticker on his car with this countries initials (NL) on it. Same thing for a lot of other countries I suppose, but anyway…

    Back in the day a german guy told me “You know what us germans believe that NL means?”, Answer: “Nur Links”. ( Only left )

    This was a crack at the fact in germany which is way less densely populated which therefore had way more vacant space on their roads were often confronted with dutch people on their roads who just wouldnt return to the right lane after having passed a car.

    Nowadays that joke doenst carry as much weight anymore since nowadays this behavior can also been seen in germany by germany. ( ask any fast car owning german about this one ;-))

  23. Eva said:Posted on December 20th, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    Hallo,
    First of all I want to say that I LOVE LOVE LOVE your stories! I’m from the Netherlands and I am an exchange student in America right now, for one year. The thing I noticed was that everything is so true! But this story…I have never really heard jokes about the Germans, we ALWAYS make jokes about the Belgiums! About that they’re stupid. The Belgiums make jokes about us about that we’re stingy! (just teasing of course)
    But….I love this website so much, please continue this for ever!

  24. pim said:Posted on December 28th, 2011 at 5:28 am

    Found some on: http://www.gottwals.com/witze/index.php

    This one is a translated version of the dutch joke in the original post:

    “Ein holländischer Kanufahrer ist auf dem Rhein bei Köln unterwegs. Er paddelt und paddelt. Da bekommt er Durst und schöpft Wasser aus dem Rhein und trinkt. Ein Kölner sieht dies von einer Brücke aus und ruft mit kölschemDialekt: ‘Niet trinken, dat is Jift!!’ Keine Reaktion. Der Holländer trinkt weiter. Der Kölner wieder:’ Niet trinken, dat is jjiftig!!!’ Jetzt paddelt der Holländer zur Brücke und ruft zurück:’ Ick kann je niet verstaan, ben Hollander!!!’ Der Kölner nur: ‘Mit beide Hände kraftig schöpfe, dann hasse mehr davon!’”

    My favorite one:

    “Was macht ein Holländer, wenn die Niederlande Fußballweltmeister geworden sind?

    Er steht vom Sofa auf und macht die Playstation aus. ”

    hihi :)

  25. Thea said:Posted on January 19th, 2012 at 12:49 pm

    From the TV program: Debiteuren Crediteuren.
    Belgium guy drives through a dutch town and comes to a halt because of road block. He asks one of the policeman what is going on. The officer answers: ” we are looking for a serial rapist.” The Belgium guy turns around. After half an hour he shows up again and tells the officer: I thought about it, if you are still looking, I will do it.”

  26. maddin@webb.de said:Posted on January 19th, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    A German, Dutch and Belgium are sitting in one car…who is the driver?

    ….the police!

  27. frank said:Posted on January 19th, 2012 at 7:48 pm

    The thing with the holes in the beach is because in the summer German tourist that come to scheveningen, Zandvoort and Noordwijk have the tendency to dig holes to sit in (if you dig enough you reah the cooler sand) Then when you go sit in one of those holes the next day the German that dug it the day before will actually tell you to Get Out of My Hole ! Bitte, dass ist mein Loch!
    It happened a lot…I used to be in Noordwijk a couple of summers, my uncle had an appartment on the boulevard….and we would always pick the best lochs in the morning…

  28. Lynn said:Posted on January 20th, 2012 at 11:37 pm

    @Patrick Hollander:

    Ouchhhh……

  29. Gerard said:Posted on January 24th, 2012 at 3:33 am

    In case you’re an American: please review the “Frenchie” jokes preceding the Iraq War. Quite disgusting…
    In case you’re stiff-upper-lip: I believe you have some pretty nasty jokes about the Irish and Scottish…
    In any case, it appears you’re not quite up to par on modern history.

  30. Patrick said:Posted on January 24th, 2012 at 4:21 pm

    I believe Dutch jokes at the expense of Germans stem from the German invasion in WW2, the occupation and confiscations (of bikes, for instance). The Dutch were fairly powerless against the German army so the best they could do was play tricks on the occupying soldiers. These were hence regarded small rebellious victories and became very popular stories. Giving a German soldier wrong directions or mistranslating hazard signs were such tricks. The holes in the sand joke is partly a reference to the war trenches, and to the pits German tourists like to dig on Dutch beaches, as mentioned.
    I think the general grudge is still present in a settled-down kind of way, but luckily deminishes as fewer people remember the war stories. It would however help if more Germans showed a little more respect and good manner as tourists because that seems to be keeping it alive. It is typically in the summer period that the country is again noticably and massively “invaded” by Germans, as the hosting Dutch townfolk wittingly describe it, except now they’re tourists on holiday.

    • Evi know said:Posted on April 5th, 2012 at 1:00 am

      Yes indeed

  31. Marleen said:Posted on January 30th, 2012 at 7:37 am

    The Germans still dig holes in our beach. Not for mines anymore, luckely. Look on a sunny day, you will find massive ones. Germans like to lay in a hole on a beach ( no joke). Big beaches even have students dig them out for money. If we have a summer next year, hopefully, you will see.

  32. Wesley said:Posted on February 8th, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    I once had a co-worker who called “Parkeerbeheer” in Amsterdam because a German car was parked incorrectly. Needles to say, Parkeerbeheer came, gave him a wielklem and left. Hahahaha.

  33. ablabius said:Posted on February 10th, 2012 at 2:27 am

    Someone in the German government actually complained one time about how poorly Dutch tourists in Germany spoke German. They would just speak Dutch with a German accent, he said, and then said that Dutch schools should give better education in German.
    To which a Dutch comedian replied: Yes, we should take an example from German tourist in our country, their German is impeccable!
    Another comedian, Youp van`t Hek, started a joke with the predictable comment that you can always tell German tourists when you are on a holiday, because they are so loud and rude, and then precedes with: “It`s striking, though, how well they speak Dutch when they are away from home.”

    When my grandfather got stranded in Britain during the war, after his ship had been torpedoed, his host invited some guests for mutual entertainment, among which was a movie director who was known for casting people in his movies who actually did in real life what they did in the movie. He commented on how well the Dutch sailors spoke English and then asked if they spoke German as well. Even better, they replied. So he cast them as a German U-boat crew in the film Western Approaches. I saw it recently and its true: They just spoke Dutch with a German accent, and not a single Englishman was on to it. ;-)

  34. douryeh said:Posted on February 10th, 2012 at 10:22 am

    The Dutch make jokes about Belgians. @D

  35. Sjonnie said:Posted on February 10th, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    A joke by Belgians about the Dutch:
    Who invented copper wire? Two Dutchmen fighting for a penny.

    A Dutch joke about Belgians:
    A Belgian truck arrives at a tunnel. There’s a sign: “Max. height: 3m”. One problem: unfortunately their truck is 3m15cm high. So, one of the Belgian drivers gets out. Steps on the roof. Looks around. Gets back in and says to his mate: “No cops in sight Sjefke, keep going!”

    So of course the truck gets stuck. A Dutch man in a Dafje (small car) passes by. Sees the truck, and tells the driver: you should let the air out of your tires so you can move the truck again. The Belgian driver starts laughing and says to his mate: Ha ha! Those stupid Dutch people, doesn’t he realize we’re stuck at the TOP, not the BOTTOM!

    Another joke about Belgians:
    Two Belgian guys, Sjefke and Severius are building a wooden shed. Sjefke gets a nail from a bag, looks at it, curses, damn, and tosses it aside. He gets another one, smiles, and hammers it in. This goes on for a bit. After a streak of curses, Severius walks over and asks: why do you throw those nails out, Sjefke? Sjefke says: “the heads are on the wrong end!”. Severius: “Man, you are so stupid, those are to be used for the OTHER side of the shed!

    I could go on for hours.

  36. rowan said:Posted on February 27th, 2012 at 12:06 pm

    I’m from Belgium and we make as many jokes about the Dutch people as they make jokes about us ;-)
    And lots of my best friends are Dutch as I live near the border.
    I think that started in 1830 when Belgians were under Dutch rule and then we declared our independency.
    Dutch people never got over the fact that we trew them out ;-)))) (And I say that with a huge ;-) as I have absolutely nothing againt Dutch people !!!! )

    • iemand said:Posted on May 7th, 2012 at 1:42 am

      come on, if it wasn’t for your beer we wouldn’t even have bothered :p

  37. Mac McLaughlin said:Posted on February 28th, 2012 at 11:20 pm

    Love the jokes! Was fortunate to visit Belgium and the Netherlands in 2007. The good-natured jokes are a much better alternative to war. In the US, residents of bordering states joke about those living in the bordering states. When I lived in Indiana, we asked, ‘Who discovered Kentucky/’ Answer: ‘Roto-Rooter in Evansville (a city across the Ohio River from Kentucky).’ Roto-Rooter is a sewer cleaning company!

  38. hummer said:Posted on March 4th, 2012 at 10:16 am

    Great website!! I just read about it in the AD newspaper. I am German and have been living here for almost thirty years……and still don’t understand thnings like Sinterklaas (I understand how chidren react, but grown ups who are talking like kids to an old guy with a fake beard??) . As for the jokes about the Germans, – or disliking them – I can understand that there is still a lot of pain form WW II, but sometimes I think there’s more pain from a soccer game back in 1974 which the dutch lost and of which they think they should have won it (who cares…. it’s only a game) and at every European or World Cup this particular game gets in the head of everbody in this country, even little kids!! If anybody can explain, please do!
    On the other hand, everybody knows that I’m German and konw one really cares and that is what I think makes this country a great one to live in, you can be whatever you want en (almost) everybody is okay with that.

  39. Tom said:Posted on March 5th, 2012 at 4:49 pm

    The Sinterklaases are at their best when the horse starts the perform a rodeo. Some movies on youtube. Hilarious. And yes, jokes about Germans, ich will mein fahrad zuruck! And the Germans have there own, license plates on cars sta NL. During the summer holidays the Germans make of that Nur Limonade, the only thing the buy at a gas station besides the fuel. They bring for the trip food from home! Typical Dutch. In general all over the world one finds they have jokes on neigbouring country’s. Atleast that’s what I found.

    • Bert said:Posted on March 30th, 2012 at 2:09 pm

      the NL-plates on our cars with caravans also mean “Nur Links” , only left

  40. Thomas said:Posted on March 6th, 2012 at 12:18 am

    Where are the famous joles about belgians. I mean every dutch citizien can make fun of belgians. We <3 jokes about belgians.

  41. iemand said:Posted on May 7th, 2012 at 1:32 am

    altough I do know a few jokes starring germans, those are few and even then most of them just have the german to fill in a character but actually make fun of the belgian or american in the joke. I know a lot more jokes starring belgians, moroccons, turks or americans. lik this one:
    a dutch guide os gving a tour to some tourists. first they arrive at a church, the guide tells his storybut an american tourist interrupts him and says: we have those in america too, but much bigger. this goes the same for a few more buildings, when they arrive at yet another building, and again the american tourist interrupts before the guide can even tell what it is. then the guide replies: this is the nuthouse.

    our belgianjokes seem to be similar to american canadianjokes, and ‘belg’ could be replaced with ‘idioot’ or ‘dom blondje’ in most of them.

    the only I can think of right now making fun of germans is this one:
    a brit and a german are visting their american friend. he tells them he just got a new pool, a wishing pool, you run towards the plank, jump, yell what you want and you land in a pool of what you wished. the brit goes first, yells out tea and lands in a pool of tea. then the american goes, yells out hamburger and lands in a pool full of hamburgers. then the german runs towards the pool, slips on a hamburger and yells out: scheize!

    but, now I think of it I do know another:
    a dutchman and a german arrive in hell. there the devil says them they get a choice: they can choose how many whiplashes they want, and whatever they want on their backs. the german goes first and chooses 1 whiplash with a pillow. then it’s the dutchman’s turn, and he says: I wat a million whiplashes. the devil is surprised, and asks him what he wants on his back. the german, the dutchman replies

    • iemand said:Posted on May 7th, 2012 at 2:09 am

      and a belgian one:
      sjefke is in group 4 of elementary in the netherlands. he comes home from school and tells he got a 10. his mother says: that’s because you’re belgian. then he tells how he could run faster as all the others in gym. that’s because you’re belgian, repliies his mother again. then sjefke says: and after gym in the showers I noticed my weiner is a lot longer than all the others, is that also because I’m belgian? his mother replies: no sjefke, that’s because you’re 26 years old

  42. Teddybeertje95 said:Posted on May 10th, 2012 at 10:44 am

    haha that are great jokes. But you forgot the jokes about belgium people’s that are the rally great jokes about country’s jokes.A other jokes you can make about blonde hair people that are ok really great jokes.That are the jokes what we know if you know a new job tell it us and we will post the joke.

    • Patrick said:Posted on June 11th, 2012 at 11:41 am

      ja geweldig he die grappen, mijn favorieten. zoals: laatst reed ik over de A2 rijd er ineens een auto met een wit laken voorbij, bleek een belgische spookrijder te zijn. (yeah great are those jokes, my favorites. like: a while ago i rode over the A2 (Dutch motorway) when at once a car with a white blanket past me, proved to be a belgian spookrijder (spook = ghost, rijder is driver, a bad driver).

  43. Carline said:Posted on May 13th, 2012 at 1:33 pm

    You know that this is the first joke about Germans I ever ‘heared’?? And I am Dutch.
    We rather make jokes about Belgians

  44. Myrthe said:Posted on May 31st, 2012 at 8:43 am

    I don’t know one joke about Germans. I do know a lot about Belgians though.

  45. Arthur said:Posted on June 27th, 2012 at 1:23 pm

    Actually, Dutch negative attitude (not mine, btw!) towards Germans is quite a bit older than WW II, though the the war of course did a lot to change the motivation behind it. Here’s an excellent article (in Dutch) on the history of the word ‘mof’, first recorded in 1574…

    http://vorige.nrc.nl/krant/article1613201.ece/Mof

  46. Terry said:Posted on July 5th, 2012 at 8:21 am

    As an Australian watching the news lately, it appears to me that all of Europe is a joke right now.

  47. Chantal said:Posted on July 6th, 2012 at 11:45 am

    Lots of great jokes in this thread!! Thank you! :D

  48. will said:Posted on July 11th, 2012 at 3:29 am

    My dad has a car with a German plate on it, and also a car with a Dutch plate on it.
    When we are driving around the Netherlands in the German car, there is alot more roadrage towards us than while driving the Dutch car.

    The Germans have a nice joke about Dutch drivers in Germany though: What does NL stand for? Nur Links.

  49. jo said:Posted on July 16th, 2012 at 7:58 pm

    just read the joke…and we have exactly the same one about a Dutch person in Cologne drinking the Rhine-water.

  50. Dennis van Dijk said:Posted on August 13th, 2012 at 12:14 pm

    wel the Germans make jokes about us (the Dutch people) as wel.
    there is a joke that goes like this : you know who invented copperwire ? 2 dutch people fighting over a nickel. (the dutch people are greedy).

    i really like this blog , its fun to see that people are amazed by the thing that are so normal to us

  51. Someone said:Posted on August 17th, 2012 at 3:52 pm

    A day before I die I’m going to convert to the German nationality. That way when I die there is one less German in the world.

    In a traffic jam a guy is going from car to car. When he comes to mine he says: The national German soccer team has been kidnapped and they want a ransom or they’ll set them on fire. So I started a collection. To which I ask, have you gotten a lot of donations yet?
    Na, just about 5 gallon so far.

    At a dangerous spot on the Dutch shore a warning sign is posted with different languages all translating to:
    -Danger! do not swim here
    Except in the German language it says:
    HERRLICHES SCHWIMMWASSER Gehen Sie doch ruhig hinein
    (great swim jump on in)

    Dear god,
    Recently you have taken my favorite singer Michael Jackson, my favorite actor Patrick Swayze and my favorite actress Farrah Fawcett.
    Just a heads up, my favorite soccer team is the German national team

    A German couple and their young son are shopping in Amsterdam. The young boy picks up an Oranje soccer shirt and tells his mom he wants to start supporting the Dutch team. At which she smacks him across the head. He then goes to his dad and tells him the same thing. Also his dad whacks him on his head and says no son of his will ever support the Dutch.
    On the driver home the boy replies from the back. Strange, I have only been supported the Dutch for an hour and already I can’t stand the Germans.

  52. devapriya said:Posted on August 22nd, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    have never heard a joke about dutch people in germany…

  53. 071Esv said:Posted on September 19th, 2012 at 11:34 am

    AAALLEE DUITSERS ZIJN ….!!!
    AAALLEE DUITSERS ZIJN ….!!!
    AAALLEE DUITSERS ZIJN ….!!!

    Alle Nederlanders begrijpen dit!

    • Tijs Roodenberg said:Posted on March 22nd, 2013 at 3:12 pm

      To be honest, thats the only real joke about germans i know, i mostly hear jokes about Belgians and well, other foreigners who come from the south.

  54. Liv Solveig (@PenguinSeymour) said:Posted on September 20th, 2012 at 11:31 pm

    I am part German, but I still laugh about the joke in your post. German people do joke about Dutchies. If there is a stall on the highway, they say: “Oh it’s a dutchie with his caravan, driving slowly”.

  55. Fred Schiphorst said:Posted on October 22nd, 2012 at 12:19 pm

    As a matter of fact I think many of these jokes have long passed their sell by date. I seldom hear them any more end I’m living in Holland every day. It looks like these jokes pop up every now and then only to disapear after some time.

  56. cloggy said:Posted on April 28th, 2013 at 1:55 am

    We (the dutch) export a lot of flowers to germany. the reason is simple, flowers don’t grow in germany because ( bloemen houden van mensen ) flowers love people.

  57. Pauline said:Posted on May 30th, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    Every nation has derigatory jokes about at least one other neighbouring nation. Over here, it’s the Belgians (they’re always the dumb ones in the jokes) and the Germans (they’re the humorless automatons). The latter brought it on themselves though, don’t start 2 world wars if you don’t want to be the butt of jokes for a century to come! But really, the younger generations tend not to care about the Germans that much anymore. But because of the war, they’re obviously still the victim of our jokes.

  58. Gertjan said:Posted on July 16th, 2013 at 6:59 pm

    Used to hear this joke when I was growing up, concerning the rudeness of Germans:

    Why do Germans have such big heads? So there’s enough room for their big mouths to fit!

    (In Dutch, having a big mouth (“een grote mond”) means to be loud, rude…)

  59. Yvo said:Posted on October 3rd, 2013 at 2:02 am

    and then there are the jokes about the frysians….

  60. Karin Middelkamp said:Posted on October 21st, 2013 at 4:14 pm

    Apparently we make a lot of jokes to the expense of others cause we also make a lot of jokes about the Belgiums (which I actually know more of than the Germans) and the frysians ofcourse. ;-) is there a topic already about the Belgiums and the Frysians? The jokes about the Belgiums are always about them being stupid or something like that. The rivalry between frysians and especially the “groningers” and the “drenthenaren” is also very funny to look into ;-)

    Besides that; loving the blogs! I am abroad in Canada at the moment for my study and love how you can understand the Dutch so well ;-) Keep on going! ;-)

  61. Flitsch said:Posted on November 15th, 2013 at 5:08 pm

    European heaven:
    - Italians are the lovers
    - French the cooks
    - Germans the technicians
    - Brits are the organizators

    European hell:
    - Italians are the organizators
    - French are the technicians
    - Brits are the cooks
    - Germans are the police

    • Rodney Kooyman said:Posted on November 17th, 2013 at 7:26 pm

      I think that if you had finished it with Germans being the lovers, it would have been equally or more hellish, in keeping with the ad quote: “Germans don’t do romance, we do beer.”

      • Flitsch said:Posted on November 21st, 2013 at 6:12 pm

        It’s because there is no such thing as LOVE in hell ;)
        Therefore we had to find another job for “ze Germans”!

      • Rodney Kooyman said:Posted on November 22nd, 2013 at 1:52 am

        OK, I’ll concede the no love in hell point, but I still think that a German lover there would be the source of eternal anguish. On the other hand, being policed by the Germans would be no picnic.

  62. Thomas said:Posted on January 29th, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    Why couldn’t Albert Einstein build a house? he only had einstein.

    • Rodney Kooyman said:Posted on January 30th, 2014 at 1:19 am

      Did you mean only ein Stein? Otherwise, I don’t really get it.

  63. iris meijer said:Posted on February 26th, 2014 at 10:54 pm

    we also have a lot of jokes about people from belgiun (belgians?)

  64. Nikolas said:Posted on March 26th, 2014 at 2:36 pm

    The good thing is the Germans can see the fun in it. Funny enough they have jokes about how we eat from blackboards and write on tables, among others.

  65. Rob de Jong said:Posted on March 28th, 2014 at 2:42 pm

    The Germans like to make jokes about us driving with our caravans on the fast lane on German motorways (which is true)
    When i was living in Germany i once asked a quite large German bloke (after he told me one of their Dutch jokes) why he thought we were always using the fast lane? As he didn’t know i told him that we want to get out of Germany as fast as possible! Funny enough he didn’t like me very much!

  66. Volb Wuno said:Posted on May 3rd, 2014 at 10:58 pm

    What do you get if you fail the practical driving license test for the third time?

    ——————————————-

    Answer: A yellow number plate.

    LOL!

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